Do You Need a Boundary?
A lot of people think of me when they think of boundaries or when they need to create one. This has been happening for years because I am boundaries' biggest fan, but I wasn't born this way. In fact, as an un-self-aware autistic person for most of my life (and all of my formative years), I wasn’t born with a strong sense of my own identity, and I was on the wrong end of the boundary spectrum that ranges from healthy boundaries to codependency and enmeshment for a long time.
Because I like context and making sure everyone is on the same page — some definitions before we proceed:
Codependency: a behavioral pattern of relying on others for self-worth, identity, and self-regulation; an excessive reliance on another person
Enmeshment: a state in which individuals’ identity and emotions are “fused” with one another, leading to a loss of sense of independence and autonomy; an inability to discern “self” from “other”
These are both unhealthy but common and un-boundaried ways of relating to other people. Codependency and enmeshment are distinct concepts, but they can certainly coexist in relationships. The kind of relationships in which they show up range from unhealthy to outright abusive, and there’s often a remarkably fine line between the two.
We learn to relate to one another in our earliest relationships, and whatever we learn tends to stick. For many of us, we learn from our parents who learned from their parents, and then we teach what we learn to our children, and on and on the cycle goes.
As a small business and nonprofit coach and consultant, I work squarely in the domain of work. I’m not a therapist, and I don’t help clients navigate their personal relationships, so how does what we learn from our families of origin relate to the work I do?
Professional Boundaries Are Informed by Personal Experiences
We learn how to be people at home, and we continue to be people when we show up at work — so we bring our patterns of relating and our boundaries (or lack thereof) to work with us. One boundary that has never really made sense to me, as much as I embrace boundaries, is the distinction between who we are in life and who we are at work. I don’t know about you, but it’s a lot easier for me to continue to be myself when I’m at work than to try to transform into someone else, which is exhausting and doesn’t actually work.
So our professional boundaries and ways of relating to others is informed by our personal, often familial, boundaries and ways of relating to others. We also develop and establish these things through formative relationships, such as first romantic partners or first bosses. We rarely understand what we’re bringing to professional relationships in these early stages, and we consider what other people are bringing to them even less.
Creating and upholding boundaries requires a degree of self-awareness. We need to know what we like and don’t like and what feels good and doesn’t to determine what we find acceptable in relationships and to make decisions about how we’re going to engage with others. Boundaries are, after all, decisions that we get to make.
It seems to me like I infrequently encounter people at work who are this self-aware, mindful, and intentional about how they operate. That’s a big part of why I left employment to work independently.
I know it can seem like this was both a choice I was privileged to make and one that affords me a lot of privilege — I don’t disagree. But I also know, in hindsight, that as a highly masked autistic person who has experienced burnout multiple times, I didn’t have another option. Neither I nor my family could afford for me to continue working the way I had been working.
The changes that I made to my work have allowed me to show up as my whole self and to see that as an act of protest and self-advocacy. These changes set me free.
So I believe that whether you choose employment (or have it chosen for you), are self-employed, or exist the intersection of the two, you deserve the freedom to show up as your whole self — safely. And in order to do so, you need boundaries — with your boss, your direct reports, your clients, and your collaborators — even if you don’t have them in your personal life.
Boundaries are where the safety comes from.
I wish I had learned this sooner, back when codependent and enmeshed work relationships felt safe. They created a false sense of security that cost me my health, both mental and physical, my sense of identity, and (nearly) my most important personal relationships.
Unfortunately, it’s far too common to meet people who have unhealthy boundaries or no boundaries at all, and some of them can make you feel really good in the short term. However, in the long term, relationships — especially professional ones — that lack boundaries can lead to anxiety and depression, emotional exhaustion, and difficulty saying no. These things can further exacerbate or perpetuate codependent and enmeshed tendencies and patterns.
So how can we learn about, create, and uphold healthy boundaries?
Creating Healthy Professional Boundaries
If you weren’t raised with a healthy understanding of what boundaries are and how they work, and it’s leading to things like people-pleasing, emotional reactivity, or a need for control or micromanagement, it’s never too late to learn.
One of the best ways to learn about boundaries is to see them modeled effectively. I’ve had two excellent teachers at two pivotal times in my life who taught me about boundaries. Each of them appeared when I was working at a different horrible job with a different unhealthy boss. They showed up as a kind of alternative leader during times when I felt unmoored. The interesting thing about them is that they were both younger and more junior than my supervisors. They were also a whole lot more self-aware.
Something that is often said about boundaries is that the only people who get upset about you setting them are the ones who were benefiting from you having none. In professional settings, this is often a supervisor who ignores your disclaimers that you’re already at capacity but who won’t take no for an answer. It can also be a colleague who doesn’t understand your role or or responsibilities and keeps looping you into work that isn’t actually yours. Sometimes it’s a client who treats your availability as unlimited, or even yourself, saying yes out of habit, guilt, or a desire to be (or appear) helpful long after your capacity has been reached.
Regardless of where you need the boundary, here are some steps you can take:
Assess your capacity realistically, not aspirationally.
Acknowledge your limits as objective facts, not something you need to apologize for
Remember that protecting your capacity protects your effectiveness
Align your commitments (your yeses) with your priorities, not with pressure or urgency
Separate urgency from importance before responding
Pause before responding so you can answer thoughtfully and intentionally
Remember that saying no can be just as important and effective as saying yes
The most important thing to remember about boundaries is that boundaries are not about control. You can’t use boundaries to control other people, so boundaries aren’t about what you want other people to do. Boundaries are about what you will (and won’t) do in relationships and in response to other people’s actions, words, and requests.
Speaking of requests, requests are not boundaries (even repeated requests). You can make a request, but you can’t make someone respond to it the way you want them to. If they don’t, what you choose to do in response is a boundary. For example, you can ask someone not to call you, but you can’t actually stop them from doing it. However, you can tell them that you’re not going to answer, put your phone on silent, or block their number if they do it. The boundary exists in your follow through.
Examples of Professional Boundaries
I said that the best way to learn about boundaries is to see them modeled effectively, so here are some examples of boundaries in action.
If a colleague loops you into something that is outside the scope of your role:
You: “Can you explain how you see me adding value here?”
Colleague: Provides explanation that doesn’t align with your role.
You: “While I’d love to support you, this isn’t an extra meeting commitment that I can take on right now. Feel free to send me your notes, and I’ll be happy to weigh in via email if I have any ideas to contribute.”
This implies the boundary that you’re not going to participate in work that isn’t yours to do unless it’s on your terms.
If a client or your boss calls you outside of business hours, thinking something is urgent that isn’t:
First of all, don’t answer the phone outside of your regular working hours!
You, via text or email,during work hours: “I’m sorry I missed your call. Can you share a bit about what you’d like to discuss?”
Client: Responds with something non-urgent and non-important.
You: Provide your professional assessment of the situation or say something to help defuse the situation and say “let me know if you’d like me to give you a call back when I’m at my desk tomorrow.”
Client: Often won’t require that call back.
This conveys the boundary that you don’t answer calls outside of work hours.
If someone asks you to do emotional labor — mediating conflicts, smoothing tension, or supporting colleagues — because you’re seen as “good with people:”
You: “That sounds like a tough situation, but I don’t think I should get involved since I’m not already part of that project. I’m happy to help you with a script so you can prepare to have that conversation if that would be helpful.”
This communicates the boundary that you’re not available to do direct “people support” for teams you’re not on.
If meetings or requests regularly come without enough notice, but you’re still expected to rearrange your schedule to accommodate them:
You: “Oh no! Unfortunately I already have an important meeting booked at that time. It took us a while to find mutual availability so unfortunately I can’t reschedule. Feel free to send me the meeting notes, and just so you know for future scheduling — my schedule typically fills up about two weeks out. I’m happy to share my availability if you want to ensure I can participate in a meeting.”
This conveys the boundary that someone else’s poor planning isn’t your mistake to fix and that you won’t accommodate meetings that you weren’t a part of scheduling.
If you’re expected to represent or educate others about your identity group in ways that aren’t part of your role:
“I’m flattered that you’d like my opinion, but I can speak only for myself, and it sounds like what you need here is community input. If you’re planning to put together a community advisory committee, just let me know the details and compensation, and I’d be happy to share with my network.”
This implies the boundary that you won’t act as a token and that you expect identity-based labor to be compensated.
Setting boundaries can feel hard, especially if you’re used to saying yes by default or if you have a codependent or people pleasing part. Sometimes if a boundary is new, the person you’re setting it with may feel like it’s a rejection or like you’re being difficult. That’s not the case!
I hope that in all of these examples, statements like these are enough to indicate where the boundary is, but if someone pushes past them, you may need to say something stronger, like “I’ve made up my mind and need to get back to work now,” or “I’m sorry I’m not able to help, but I need to table this discussion for now.” Sometimes you may even need to excuse yourself.
This can all feel really hard, but the good news is that boundaries aren’t just one time decisions, they’re practices — which means that it’s very likely you’ll have opportunities to uphold your boundaries in the future. The more you practice, the easier it gets, and the better it feels.
What are other times when you need a boundary? What are some effective ways you’ve shown people how to treat you? If you’d like to talk boundaries, feel free to reach out via email. I’ll answer during my work hours, which may be different from yours.
